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| When Your Boyfriend Is Jealous |
There are so many options you can choose to handle your boyfriend's jealousy. You can...
- ignore him and trust him to deal with it;
- stop seeing the people/person whom your boyfriend is jealous of;
- help your boyfriend to get to know your friend/s better;
- break up with your boyfriend;
- do nothing;
- invoke his friends help to talk to him;
- reassure him, etc.
So which do you choose? The answer is simple. Start with the end in mind.
Without
starting with the end in mind, you either remain confused, risk making
the "wrong" decision, or leave things to chance. Wouldn't it be better
to do what will eventually lead you to the goal of being happily married
forever after? In addition, when you work with the end in mind, some
options are automatically eliminated. For example, if my intended
outcome is to grow a long-term relationship with my boyfriend, I would
avoid choosing the option of breaking up with him. I would also predict
that ignoring my boyfriend's jealousy may not work long-term, because
the issue could recur until a permanent solution is reached.
Here is how I start with the end in mind:
Step 1. Write your desire out in positive terms.
This means instead of writing "I want my boyfriend to stop being
jealous", I write "I want my boyfriend to trust me". [Tip: Define your
desire in terms of what is within your control. Demanding that your
boyfriend change to suit you is out of your control. It is far easier to
work towards proving your trustworthiness than wait for your boyfriend
to magically transform overnight.]
Step 2. Figure out what you can do to achieve your desired outcome.
To encourage my boyfriend to trust me, I would list the following as
possible action plans: 1. Get my boyfriend to spend time with and get to
know my friend/s. 2. Communicate more with my boyfriend so he
understands why I do the things I do. 3. Find out what my boyfriend
wishes me to do and negotiate with him about it. It is relatively easy
to work out a plan when you have a goal in mind.
Step 3. Execute your plan.
Step 4. Review the situation and make changes when necessary.
It is important that you don't keep using the same strategy, while
expecting a different result. If you have already explained things to
your boyfriend, and he refuses to cooperate, change your strategy. You
may have to find a better way to explain things to him, or choose a
totally different option instead. While your boyfriend's jealousy may
not improve overnight, there should be signs of improvement. It is up to
you and your boyfriend to assess whether the improvements you've both
made are good enough to continue being in a relationship together.
Here's the story of what I did when my boyfriend was jealous...
When
my boyfriend and I first decided to be in a committed relationship, he
felt jealous of a male friend of mine. While I had the option of
continuing my friendship with my male friend, I realized my desired
outcome is: To be with a boyfriend who loves and cherishes me. Since my
male friend was not interested in being my boyfriend, I realized it made
no sense for me to jeopardize the relationship with my boyfriend "for"
my male friend. Hence, I put the friendship with my male friend on hold.
This made my boyfriend happy and also created more opportunities for me
to confide in my boyfriend, which grew our bond. We are still a happy
couple today.
While some people will argue that it is a bad idea
to give up friendships for your boyfriend because he is jealous, I urge
you to start with your desired outcome in mind, and decide what is right
for yourself. Remember that it is perfectly normal to make mistakes,
and that the man who is right for you will find a way to forgive your
reasonable mistakes.
