Monday, September 23, 2013

What to Do When Your Boyfriend Is Jealous

When Your Boyfriend Is Jealous
There are so many options you can choose to handle your boyfriend's jealousy. You can...
  • ignore him and trust him to deal with it;
  • stop seeing the people/person whom your boyfriend is jealous of;
  • help your boyfriend to get to know your friend/s better;
  • break up with your boyfriend;
  • do nothing;
  • invoke his friends help to talk to him;
  • reassure him, etc.
So which do you choose? The answer is simple. Start with the end in mind.
Without starting with the end in mind, you either remain confused, risk making the "wrong" decision, or leave things to chance. Wouldn't it be better to do what will eventually lead you to the goal of being happily married forever after? In addition, when you work with the end in mind, some options are automatically eliminated. For example, if my intended outcome is to grow a long-term relationship with my boyfriend, I would avoid choosing the option of breaking up with him. I would also predict that ignoring my boyfriend's jealousy may not work long-term, because the issue could recur until a permanent solution is reached.
Here is how I start with the end in mind:
Step 1. Write your desire out in positive terms. This means instead of writing "I want my boyfriend to stop being jealous", I write "I want my boyfriend to trust me". [Tip: Define your desire in terms of what is within your control. Demanding that your boyfriend change to suit you is out of your control. It is far easier to work towards proving your trustworthiness than wait for your boyfriend to magically transform overnight.]
Step 2. Figure out what you can do to achieve your desired outcome. To encourage my boyfriend to trust me, I would list the following as possible action plans: 1. Get my boyfriend to spend time with and get to know my friend/s. 2. Communicate more with my boyfriend so he understands why I do the things I do. 3. Find out what my boyfriend wishes me to do and negotiate with him about it. It is relatively easy to work out a plan when you have a goal in mind.
Step 3. Execute your plan.
Step 4. Review the situation and make changes when necessary. It is important that you don't keep using the same strategy, while expecting a different result. If you have already explained things to your boyfriend, and he refuses to cooperate, change your strategy. You may have to find a better way to explain things to him, or choose a totally different option instead. While your boyfriend's jealousy may not improve overnight, there should be signs of improvement. It is up to you and your boyfriend to assess whether the improvements you've both made are good enough to continue being in a relationship together.
Here's the story of what I did when my boyfriend was jealous...
When my boyfriend and I first decided to be in a committed relationship, he felt jealous of a male friend of mine. While I had the option of continuing my friendship with my male friend, I realized my desired outcome is: To be with a boyfriend who loves and cherishes me. Since my male friend was not interested in being my boyfriend, I realized it made no sense for me to jeopardize the relationship with my boyfriend "for" my male friend. Hence, I put the friendship with my male friend on hold. This made my boyfriend happy and also created more opportunities for me to confide in my boyfriend, which grew our bond. We are still a happy couple today.
While some people will argue that it is a bad idea to give up friendships for your boyfriend because he is jealous, I urge you to start with your desired outcome in mind, and decide what is right for yourself. Remember that it is perfectly normal to make mistakes, and that the man who is right for you will find a way to forgive your reasonable mistakes.