Life can be very difficult for a gay man, married, perhaps with
children and still trying to convince himself that if he tries hard
enough he can become straight and end that overwhelming urge for an
occasional night away from home. The urge for a romantic interlude with a
guy is constantly with him and yet the opportunity for a night out is
few and far between. Anxiety ridden and living with the fear of
detection but anxious to find a bit of quick fun and frolic with a
suitable partner, he refuses the invitation of his co-workers to have
lunch together, and instead, at considerable risk to himself, beats a
hasty path to the nearest gay bar, bus terminal or public restroom in
the hopes of meeting someone there that will provide the immediate
sexual relief he just has to have, in order to focus on his work for the
rest of the afternoon and be content to remain at home in the evening
with his wife and children. This pattern repeats itself a couple of
times a week, but in spite of his effort to deny expression to his urge
for intimacy with another man, things never get any better. When he does
manage to find a way to get out for the evening, he returns home ridden
with guilt for what has transpired and promising himself if only he can
get away with it this time, he will never do it again. And for a time
he keeps his promise, throws himself into his work, attends to the needs
of his wife and children until suddenly and without warning the
compelling urge returns again, and again the course of conduct followed
previously repeats itself ending in the same manner as before. He is
after all a gay man, with all of the urges gay men have. The same urges
heterosexual men have except that the object of desire is that
attractive man noticed in the store the other day, instead of the
gorgeous lady that crossed the street in front of him.
Surely
the reader agrees with me and understands that the gay man's lifestyle
is untenable given his personal circumstances, and that there needs to
be some kind of intervention if things are going to improve. Positive
change is unlikely, however, until he is sufficiently motivated to take
the needed steps. Nothing can be done to change the past, but the real
opportunity for change begins with "tomorrow", the first day of the rest
of his life, his wife's and his children's. He has the choice of taking
charge of his life and orchestrating the needed change, or making a
decision by indecision and letting events take their course. Either way,
a divorce is likely, financial considerations need to be resolved and
the best interests of the children taken into consideration. A difficult
path to follow, but one that will leave his wife in a position to lead
her life free of deception. The children will be fine knowing that they
are loved and will be properly cared for by both parents whom they will
often see and visit. But what about the gay husband and father?
No
matter how old he is when the change in lifestyle takes place, he is
given a new beginning free to lead his life the way it was intended.
Being gay is not a choice. The man written about in this article did not
"choose" to be gay. He chose the traditional heterosexual lifestyle
with wife and children, but found himself unable to make the transition
from gay to straight in spite of his determination to do so. An
entanglement difficult to resolve.
Being gay is increasingly seen
as an irreversible circumstance of birth. Whether that will ultimately
prove to be where the weight of authority falls or not, one thing is
plain. It is unfair to his wife for the gay to conceal from her the
constant inner struggle he is experiencing but unable to control on the
issue of his sexual orientation. The better course is not to enter such
marriages to begin with.
The dawn of a new day is at hand, the
stigma of being gay is abating and the opposition to gay marriage is
fast becoming a thing of the past. But until the legitimacy and morality
of being gay and gay marriage is fully accepted, these difficult gay
straight marital relationships need to be ended amicably, by a
negotiated agreement of the parties, taking into consideration the needs
of their children and each spouse. A life filled with the lies and
deception usually found in a gay straight marriage doesn't have to be
endured to the bitter end. It can be satisfactorily resolved right now.
Whether the gay spouse comes out of the closet to end the marriage or it
ends for some other reason is not important. What is important is that
in the majority of cases it must be ended if long-term happiness is to
be gained for both spouses. If he would be true to himself it will take
the single-minded determination of the gay spouse to make that happen.
